I am traveling.
I am in a period of transition.
I am extremely uncomfortable.
I have been traveling for a couple of months. When people ask me where I am from, I don’t exactly know right now. Some questions are usually so simple for most people.
I moved out of New York City (I know that). I thought I was moving back home to New Jersey. Plans changed, so I am one my way to move back to Santa Barbara, the hard part is I don’t know where exactly I am going to be living in two weeks. There are always things nattering. That is human existence. As of lately I have coupled the nattering, exacerbated it and added a component of constant leaving-arriving-getting settled-having-amazing-experiences-and-then-leaving (and repeat); while also trying to get the next phase of my life virtually set up. It is hard to not let the beauty of today be destroyed by the imminent unknown, and my anxiety/fear/discomfort wrapped up in this constant state of flux.
I am excited about the big things, like the job which is the reason I am relocating. But the little things are what I am most looking forward to: biking to work (so long parking drama and hours on the subway); eating food handed to me by the person who grew it at the farmers market; and a little more time for myself on a day to day basis (I hope) to look inward or explore the gorgeous outdoors. The conundrum right now, is as it always seems to be for me, is finding a balance of accomplishing as many little details as I can and letting go of my expectation that more can get done, letting go of the fear/anxiety (I could make up things that I might need to worry about because my imagination is so creative), letting go letting go letting go. I am having mental-emotional-life-size growing pains.
And of course, meditation practice has been alluding me, like a tricky butterfly that won’t land. It has been on my to do list , although as I write I realize it should be on a “to be” list. I have been floating in a distressing sea of this dis-ease for weeks. The prescription for any relief has been (in addition to letting go) more yoga than regular, and more running. I find if I can exhaust my body, my mind gives up. Then I can sit and breathe. And I feel a little better for a brief and fleeting moment.
I am realizing this time, this place of disquiet is no different than how my life always is, the level of ache is simply magnified at this time during this period of change. And I have no patience for it to take over. As I travel to visit friends and family each moment is absolutely too precious because I don’t know exactly when I will be in the same place or see these faces I love again. So I am inviting in the possibility that I can be comfortable in this period of transition, in this discomfort that happens to be my life right now at this very moment (and maybe even enjoy things while I am at it)… and bring this awareness with me when I get settled again.